Ende der Reise

I thought I was already okay. Turns out I really needed a timeout. I spent the last period after the last post realizing that I didn’t overcome pain, I merely repressed it. I was arrogant, being in a profession whose business is knowing and understanding what people think. The next seven months were hell. I fully dove into the cesspool of depression, into its depths. So much that I wondered why I even bother trying live anymore. I don’t have that urge to take my life away. I was so apathetic that doing so is such hassle. I was already self-destructing, zombified and merely surviving.

I was so deep into the darkness that I can barely the light at the surface.

The thing is, I dove into the darkness precisely so that I can find the courage to face what’s left of my life. I realized that I was scared of how I was affected by my previous experience of depression that I tried to avoid it at all costs, not realizing that the crushing feeling will not go away, but will continue bind me into its shackles until I acknowledge it.

It was a gamble that I might have probably not survived.

Thankfully though, I am rising again back to the surface. I would like to be conservative here and not assume that I am out of the icy waters. There are still episodes every now and then, but overall the feeling of being in the driver seat again of your life is returning. My thoughts are once again points to a direction, away from the darkness.

You know that feeling when you are nearing the end of the long journey, when you see your destination but you’re not quite there?

Here’s to hoping I can reach it soon, and then start another adventure.


You stare at the blinking cursor.
That menacing straight line, appearing and disappearing, amidst the vast white nothingness, seemingly mocking you to no end, as if to call your attention to the fact that you’re stuck, you can’t think of anything worth putting out for the world to see. As if they would give a shit, you tell yourself.
Your eyes wander across your bedroom. Those blue walls surrounding you, devoid of anything because you are not a fan of hanging posters or images. Wait, do people still hang posters and pictures at their walls? Maybe the wall is a metaphor to your life, devoid of anything interesting to talk about.
You snorted at your little imaginary conversation with yourself. How platitudinous. Or was it hackneyed? Boring perhaps? I guess that little conversation itself proves a point, that often you engage in mental activities without any, well, point.
Someone you’re talking to on FB just replied back. You immediately grabbed your phone, fumbling while trying to open the damn thing. Because hey, you are (supposed to be) writing right now. Ah, but you need to be inspired, you tell yourself. If you are inspired, then whatever it is that you put your mind into you’ll be able to achieve.
The mind is infinitely complex. So complex, among all the things that you were interested in pursuing back in high school, you chose to explore it. Because understanding the complexities of the superstring theory and how the four physical forces of strong, weak, electromagnetism, and gravity can be combined through using higher-dimensional mathematics, does not help you in understanding them. Or understanding her. And so you ended up on a course that people kept mistaking for a fortune teller or psychic (“Hey hey, can you read minds?!”). Well you cannot read minds nor move objects with your mind now, but you ended up having second thoughts about everything, and trying to analyze (and overanalyze) situations through having conversations with yourself, such as this one now.
The person you are talking to mention something about knowing intentions of others. Reading minds through behavior can be done, but relies on stereotypes we have on other people, as well as prior experiences. These data significantly colors our perception of the causes of behaviors of people around us. What might be a simple act of thanking you personally might be framed as an opportunity to catch your attention.
Of course, this was not what you told her. Nor the fact that you always find yourself smiling when you see her. Well, you tell yourself, because she’s so inquisitive, and she likes to talk about things that you also like.
Your head suddenly jerked upward. For a moment you were disoriented, you were supposed to be doing something. Lying on your stomach just after eating a heavy meal while doing your paper is probably one of the ideas you are not proud of. You half-remember those train of thoughts you never realized you can have.
And as you ponder all of them, the life devoid of interesting things, superstring theories and FB messages and stereotypes, and her, you stare on that blinking cursor, that menacing vertical line, amidst the vast, white nothingness.

Looking forward

Finally after more than year, I was able to follow up on my previous post.

A lot of things happened since that time. Most of them were hazy by now though. Some of the things that I can remember are being able to attend and present to various research conferences, taught a new high school level for the first time, learned a lot about brewing coffee, grabbed some opportunities to improve my finances, got dengue and survive, and apparently learned that having your trust betrayed after so many years ain’t the end of everything, but nevertheless still freaking hurts (so people who dismiss heartbreaks as trivial should just go and experience it again smh).

Life-altering events, whether positive or negative, causes stress. This is my most stressful year so far (and it isn’t over yet). And yet I cannot help but think that being introduced to positive psychology actually helped my resilience, just enough to weather the storms. This year also allowed me better understanding of myself. My personal core-values are a lot clearer now than they are last year. Maybe it’s because I’m approaching the end of my young adulthood.

In the previous months I started doubting the dreams and goals I’ve set for myself. I was back in a state of flux. People I work with and who are close to me told me as much that my life right now lacks direction. With all the talk I usually give about the importance of commitment, it’s ironic that I find myself being unable to commit to a path, fearing that this path ain’t the right one. But I’m taking my first steps again. I recognize my strengths and weaknesses better than before. And I am not completely clueless on what I want. Right now I am battling my demons, my insecurities, and being presented with an opportunity that I am avoiding before. Should I do it?

Well, I’ve done this in other areas of my life before. Leaving my comfort zone again isn’t the end of the world. We’ll see.

Hello World!


Guess I need to do this stuff again.

Just so I have content to show, I decided to write a short blurb about this blog, and myself as well. I am torn whether to import 10 years worth of blogging content here or just really start anew. Said content is cringe-worthy, but sentimentality can be arguably said to be one of my good (!) points.

Roughly for the past four years I repeatedly tried to start blogging again, only to be swamped by that thing we call real life. I started blogging when I was about to end my high school life, but the blogger life didn’t take off until on the second semester of my college freshman year. Life has this twisted sense of humor of tormenting young people around that age range, and I was no exception. It provided enough angsty material for my blog though.

Thinking about it now, my entire four-year stay in college can be said to be full of angst and teenage nonsense. Shoot me.

In this time and age though, with the prevalence of social media catering to the current generation’s short attention span through microblogging services and post updates, I’m starting to think that keeping a blog like this is passé. Despite that, there is certain beauty in vomiting your thoughts for the world to see the way that blogs do it.

Years ago I was one of those bloggers who joined the pilot testing of SM’s WiFi. Part of the reason is for the food, part of it is for the raffle (they’re giving away laptops man). I was approached back then by some reporter from Net 25 asking me what my blog was all about. I don’t remember what I said but I believe I didn’t made any sense (I was probably speaking gibberish at that time). It is embarrassing that only now that I can articulate what I wanted to say, which remains true to this day.

This is probably true for all bloggers, but I might as well explicitly state it. I maintain this blog primarily for my own self-satisfaction. This is my avenue of self-expression. I am an introvert, for me my inner world is as exciting as the world outside. Though you don’t share that opinion, I have this desire to share my world to this world. It would not make any sense probably, but this blog wasn’t about making sense anyway (on your part at least). This is my blog, so I guess it’s only fitting that everything here will center around me. This is my narrative. It intersects with other people’s narratives, yes. But it is my narrative and mine alone. And you get to see life as I construct it through my own narrative lens.

This might have been longer than I intended it to be. Can’t help it, probably because of the rain outside. Anyway, I’m stopping for now. Goodnight.